Week 8 (Day 52, 53, 54, & 55); Week 1 of Panama City

This week in has led to general feelings of being overwhelmed and critical of myself.  I am attempting to balance many things, all of which could potentially be full-time endeavors, all while staying at a very hectic and chaotic hostel. 

#1 I am continuing to study Spanish but now in the afternoons which seems to be right in the middle of the day with little time for doing my own thing in the morning and evening.  Also, there are 4 of us in the class which has led me to not get as much personalized attention and in turn has made me a less serious student.

#2 Even though I haven’t been taking my study as seriously I would really like to be at a point where I am conversational in Spanish.  This means that I would need to stay down here longer.  So a large part of my time recently has been looking for work (both volunteer positions & paid work) down here since I seem to be running out of money very quickly ever since leaving Guatemala.  This has also meant scheduling interviews into different parts of my day over unpredictable Skype.

#3 Just being a tourist!  I find myself in this really awesome city, a confluence of cultures, with a vibrant energy.  But instead of out and exploring it I find myself consumed with all these other things and judging myself for not seeing what’s out there in what may be my only time in Panama City.

Part of my judgment is about choices I have made in my travels.  Why didn’t I start looking for work sooner when there wasn’t a time crunch aspect?  I should have started this process as soon as I arrived, but then again I hadn’t known if I wanted to stay or not.  Why did I not listen to advice that Xela was the best place to learn Spanish if a person were truly serious about learning?  I guess because I also wanted to experience other places.  Even though these other places have been more distracting and more expensive they have still been valuable experiences.  I guess I needed to experience the difference on my own and come to my own conclusion that Xela is truly the best place to learn Spanish.  And also along the same lines, why did I not set up volunteer work before coming down?  I guess because I needed to know Spanish first.

Ahhh, compassion.  I keep reminding myself to have compassion for myself.  The Tuesday after arriving, slow to get moving and all I ended up doing with my morning was an interview and a conversation with my mom.  Trying to tell myself that I just needed to recover from my crazy hectic travel day.

I think some of the judgment may also be about living amongst so many people and comparing myself.  My room has 12+ dorm beds, always full of different people.  I wake up early and then slowly experience the clearing out of the room and then suddenly I’m the only one still hanging around.  But part of the problem is that with so many people I always find myself distracted with conversations.  Talk to one person here, another there, then I’m never able to get myself out the door.

Surprisingly, I think most of the conversations have been in Spanish.  There’s Ursula, the German from my class who likes to quiz me in some sort in relation to class.  Then Yukki from when I was in Guatemala who’s Spanish is probably better than his English so it’s better for us to communicate in Spanish.  I think my only English conversations have been with another weird guy from Florida who comes down here every few months because he “can’t afford Europe anymore.”

Then there are multitudes of tourists from South America.  For the most part I haven’t really talked to most of them, but here in Panama is probably the most Spanish I’ve heard spoken in a hostel!  The one’s I have spoken with: The older woman from Colombia.  She is very friendly but for some reason I really don’t understand her accent so it’s always a struggle for us to communicate. 

The guy who slept on the bunk above me from Argentina.  Interestingly he made fun of how terrible the Argentineans are at speaking Spanish but he was the most clear and understandable, always speaking slow and deliberately when conversing with me.  He asked me advice about traveling to Guatemala and I was surprisingly able to understand his questions and respond accordingly. 

And last but not least, the artist from Venezuela who had taken a liking to me.  For the most part it was fine he would just smile at me in a flirtatious sort of way.  However, on Saturday, the day I left the hostel he was still drinking from the night before when I saw him in the communal area of the hostel.  That seemed to have given him the courage to tell me how enamored with me he was.  He even made me a necklace.  I have to give him credit for commenting on and noticing my “energy” which I have heard compliments about from other energetically aware people.  But then I really wanted to get going with my day, to get out and actually be a tourist for the day, and couldn’t seem to get myself out of the conversation.  In the end I just walked away from him giving him hope that we would speak again in the afternoon, only to take all my stuff and sneak myself out of the hostel and disappear, hopefully, never to see him again.

Oh, another thing about this hostel: the guidebook says “pending renovation” and was written 2 years ago.  I guess they are still renovating so many years later.  As with much of Panama City they are in the midst of fixing the place up but haven’t shut it down at all in this process.  With hallways covered in paint, workers always hanging around, and at least half of the bathrooms closed due to the renovation, it has not been the most pleasurable experience.

Wednesday morning I was able to visit the History of Panama Museum before class.  Thursday I walked into the downtown area of Panama City via the Cinta Costera (a waterfront greenspace).  It was a beautiful area and I was amazed by the limited activity.  I would compare it with the path between Lake Michigan and Lakeshore Drive in Chicago where tons of people utilize the space.  But in this case it was empty.  Again worlds apart from the Central Avenue area of town.  One of the things I love about the energy of this area is the multitudes of kids running around, while this Cinta Costera had many playgrounds that were completely empty!  After exploring a bit downtown and seeing yet another world all within Panama City I was able to take the metro back to the Central Avenue area and walk to class (I was late).

Friday I worked on applications.  Then had an interview.  This again went later than expected and I ended up being late once again for class.  More evidence that afternoon classes are not good for me and that I have too many things going on right now.